Navigating Divorce: How to Choose the Right Lawyer and Know When to Move On

Divorce is already a lot. The legal side can feel like an entirely different language—spoken by people who seem rushed, confident, and oddly comfortable talking about your life like it’s a case file.

In this episode of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club podcast, I sat down with attorney Heather Quick to talk about two questions I hear constantly from women in this season:

1. How do I choose the right divorce lawyer?

2. How do I know if it’s time to find a new one?

This post is here to help you feel steadier, clearer, and more empowered—because you deserve representation that matches the reality of what you’re carrying.

Start With One Simple Step: Write Down What You Need

Heather’s advice is practical (and honestly, calming): write down what you want out of an attorney.

If you’ve never hired a lawyer before, you’re not “behind.” You’re normal.

Here are a few prompts to help you get specific:

• Do I want a lawyer who leans collaborative, or someone comfortable getting more aggressive if things get contentious? (The ABA even suggests asking about an attorney’s approach—negotiation vs. litigation—and where mediation fits.)  

• Do I need frequent updates, or do I prefer communication only when something changes?

• Do I want someone who will be warm and steady… or direct and no-nonsense?

• What’s my budget reality—and what do I need clarity on with fees?

This is not you being “difficult.” This is you being intentional.

How to Find a Lawyer Without Feeling Exposed

A lot of women hesitate to ask friends or family for referrals because they don’t want the questions, the opinions, or the pity.

If that’s you, online research is a totally valid starting point.

A few grounded ways to do it:

• Search locally and read reviews, but read them with discernment (one angry review isn’t a full picture).

• Use your state bar association “find a lawyer” resources and checklists—many include smart questions to ask before you hire someone.  

• Prioritize lawyers who clearly practice family law/divorce (not someone who “also does” divorces sometimes). This is a common recommendation in consumer guides from state agencies, too.  

And here’s what I’ll add from personal experience: I started with Google. I read the good reviews and the bad reviews—because sometimes the bad ones tell you exactly what a lawyer is like when things get hard.

Compatibility Matters More Than People Admit

One of the most helpful ways to think about hiring an attorney is this: you’re not just hiring credentials. You’re hiring a working relationship.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again—choosing a lawyer can feel a lot like choosing a hairdresser. Not because it’s superficial, but because fit matters.

You’re looking for someone who:

• understands your goals

• communicates in a way that doesn’t spike your anxiety

• can be honest without being harsh

• has a strategy that matches your situation

Red Flags to Watch For (Trust Your Gut)

Sometimes your body knows before your brain catches up.

If you walk into an office and immediately feel uncomfortable—dismissed, rushed, or like a number—pay attention.

A few red flags that commonly signal a poor fit:

• You feel talked down to or shamed for asking questions

• You can’t get a straight answer about strategy

• You’re constantly confused about what’s happening next

• Communication is consistently poor (long delays, no updates, no clarity)

 
You’re not “needy” for wanting to understand your own divorce.

The Communication Sweet Spot: Advocate + Reality Check

This part matters: your lawyer isn’t your therapist—but they also shouldn’t be a cold robot.

When you’re hurting, it’s natural to vent. To process. To want someone to validate what’s happening. But what you really need in a divorce attorney is someone who will:

• advocate for you

• help you stay focused on outcomes

• tell you the truth when you’re about to spend money chasing something that won’t move the needle

Heather said something I think women need to hear: if you don’t communicate what you need, your lawyer can’t meet expectations you never named.

So it’s okay to say things like:

• “I need a quick weekly update, even if there’s no movement.”

• “Email works best. Please don’t call during work hours.”

• “If you need something from me, be specific and give me a deadline.”

Clarity reduces stress—for both of you.

When It’s Time to Switch Lawyers

Sometimes your lawyer isn’t “bad.” They’re just not right for this phase.

I’ve lived this. There was a point in my divorce where the tone changed and what I needed changed. My first attorney was too laid back for the contentious phase I was entering, and I realized I needed a different approach.

If you’re feeling consistently frustrated or unheard, it may be time to reconsider your choice. And I want to say this clearly:

You don’t have to stick with someone just because they were your first choice. You deserve an attorney who meets your needs as they evolve.

Practical Takeaways

If you’re overwhelmed, come back to these:

• Write down what you want in an attorney before you call anyone

• Read reviews critically and use reputable state resources/checklists  

• Ask about strategy (negotiation, litigation, mediation) early  

• Trust your instincts—discomfort is data

• Name your communication needs clearly (updates, timelines, preferred channel)  

• Give yourself permission to switch if your needs evolve

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A Quick Note From Me

This post is education and support—not legal advice. If you’re in an urgent or high-conflict situation, getting guidance from a qualified attorney in your state matters.

Final Thought

You don’t have to earn respect by being easy, quiet, or agreeable.

You’re allowed to ask questions. You’re allowed to want clarity. You’re allowed to choose someone who makes you feel both protected and informed.

With love and grace,
Erica Bennett
Host of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club