Breaking the Pattern: Embracing Messy Transformation After Divorce

What happens when you do everything “right”—earn the degree, marry the man, build the family—only to wake up one day and realize it still doesn’t feel like your life?

That’s the question I found myself exploring in this week’s episode of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club, when I sat down with Sherry to talk about her brave, messy, and deeply human journey through marriage, motherhood, and self-rediscovery after divorce.

When Doing Everything “Right” Still Feels Wrong

Sherry grew up in a traditional, achievement-driven immigrant family. She followed the script she was handed: study hard, please your parents, get married before 30, have a child, be the supportive wife.

On paper, she checked every box. But inside, she felt lost—crying herself to sleep, disconnected, and exhausted from performing a life that didn’t feel like her own.

When she told me, “I had no idea who I was or what I wanted…I was just going through the motions,” I felt that deep in my bones. So many of us do everything “right,” only to realize the life we built doesn’t actually fit who we are.

The Question That Changed Everything

For Sherry, the shift started with one simple but powerful question: “Are you happy?”

She asked it of her husband—but really, it was a question for herself, too. That moment cracked something open. It wasn’t neat or easy, but it was honest. And honesty is where change begins.

I told her during our conversation:

“We get locked in these dynamics—playing the same role over and over—and we think something’s there. We’re asking, but nothing’s changing. We have to do something different to create the opening.”

That question was her opening.

Breaking One Pattern, Then Seeing Another

After her marriage ended, Sherry—like so many of us—found herself in another relationship almost immediately. It’s such a common thing: we chase a new version of happiness before we’ve healed the old wounds.

It took therapy, coaching, and deep reflection for her to see that she was recreating the same patterns in a different form. So she started asking herself new questions: Who am I? What do I want?

The answers didn’t come right away. Healing never does. It’s messy, nonlinear, and uncomfortable—but that’s where real transformation lives.

Reclaiming Power in the Mess

Therapy became her anchor. It gave her space to unpack her anxiety, let go of the need for external validation, and start measuring her life by her own progress—not by her ex, not by court outcomes, not by anyone else’s expectations.

She told me, “I started to remove court from the focal point of my life. Now, every time I go, the only goal I have is to be proud of myself.”

That hit me hard. Pride—quiet, grounded, self-chosen pride—is such an underrated part of healing.

Now, Sherry channels her experience into helping other women—especially fellow people-pleasers—find their voice, embrace their anger in healthy ways, and lean into what she calls their “soft power.”

Her reminder to all of us: discomfort isn’t failure. It’s the evidence of growth.

The Real Work of Transformation

True happiness isn’t about perfect relationships or ticking boxes—it’s about getting honest with yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s about stepping out of the patterns that kept you small and building a life that finally feels like yours.

Transformation after divorce is rarely tidy. It’s chaotic, emotional, and sometimes lonely. But it’s also where you rediscover your strength.

If you’re in that place right now, give yourself grace. You don’t have to have it all figured out. The “right” path is simply the one that helps you come home to you.

With love and grace,
Erica Bennett
Host, The Crazy Ex-Wives Club