The 5 Phases of Divorce Grief: How to Heal and Move Forward

Insights from my conversation with Oona Metz—empowering women to reclaim life after divorce

Divorce isn’t just the end of a marriage. It’s the beginning of an emotional journey with unexpected twists, turns, and yes, a whole lot of grief.

When I went through my own divorce, I thought I understood what I’d be mourning. I expected to miss my ex-husband. I expected to grieve the future I thought we’d have. What I didn’t expect was how many layers of loss would show up, how relentless they could feel, and how confusing it was to hold multiple emotions at the same time.

On the latest episode of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club, I sat down with Oona Metz—a therapist who specializes in supporting women through divorce and the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women.  We talked about what divorce grief really looks like, why it can feel so isolating, and the phases many women move through on their way back to themselves.

Oona’s work has been getting a lot of attention lately, including a recent segment on CBS Mornings and an excerpt in TIME.  And honestly, after this conversation, I understand why.

Let’s dive into what we discussed and the key takeaways for you if you’re walking this road right now.

The Unexpected Grief of Divorce (It’s Not Just Your Ex)

When you’re facing the end of your marriage, you expect sadness. But what sneaks up on so many women is the grief for what divorce takes besides the relationship.

You might be grieving:

• The version of you who existed inside that partnership

• The family dreams you built your identity around

• The sense of safety (emotional, financial, social) that you thought you had

• The loss of extended relationships and traditions that were “part of the package”

• The role you played for years: wife, partner, the “intact-family” mom

And here’s the part I want you to hear clearly: divorce is common, and it can still feel incredibly lonely. Oona writes about hearing women say, “How can something so common feel like I’m the only one going through it?”  

That loneliness doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human, and you’re navigating a life transition that affects your identity, your nervous system, your daily rhythms, and your sense of belonging.

The 5 Phases of Divorce Grief (Oona Metz’s Roadmap)

We all know the classic “five stages of grief.” But divorce grief isn’t always a neat march toward acceptance. It’s not a single loss. It’s a whole-life restructuring.

Oona has developed a model that better captures how divorce grief often unfolds for women, and I felt so seen by it. If you’ve ever thought, “Why am I still feeling this?” or “Why do I feel five things at once?” this framework can help you make sense of what’s happening.

Here are the five phases of divorce grief we mapped out together.

Phase 1: Heartbreak

Heartbreak is where it begins, whether you wanted the divorce or not.

You’re grieving:

• The relationship itself

• The hope that it could have been repaired

• The comfort of what was familiar, even if it wasn’t healthy

Heartbreak can feel heavy, foggy, raw. You might be functioning at work and then falling apart in your car. You might be the one who initiated the divorce and still feel like you can’t breathe some days.

If this is where you are, your job isn’t to “be strong.” Your job is to be honest about what hurts.

Phase 2: The Emotional Roller Coaster

This is the phase that makes so many women think, “What is wrong with me?”

Nothing is wrong with you.

This is where emotions surge unexpectedly: anger, relief, sadness, guilt, longing, fear, even moments of joy that then trigger shame.

One minute you’re steady. The next minute you’re crying over a holiday tradition you didn’t even like. You might feel powerful and devastated in the same afternoon.

And here’s what makes this phase harder: the outside world doesn’t always understand the swings. People want you to be “over it” on a timeline that doesn’t match reality.

If you’re riding the roller coaster, you don’t need judgment. You need support, structure, and people who get it.

Phase 3: Mending (Rebuilding Your Sense of Self)

Mending is where you start stitching yourself back together, piece by piece.

This isn’t about pretending the divorce didn’t hurt. It’s about slowly reclaiming the energy you poured into managing, fixing, surviving, and holding everything together.

In this phase, many women begin to:

• Reconnect with their body and nervous system

• Notice their needs again (sometimes for the first time in years)

• Build new routines that feel steady and supportive

• Practice self-trust, even in small decisions

Self-love can sound fluffy until you’re in divorce grief and you realize you’ve been living on emotional fumes. Mending is refilling. Mending is returning.

Phase 4: Letting Go (Identity, Traditions, and Old Roles)

This phase is not just about letting go of your ex.

It’s about letting go of:

• The identity you thought you had to be

• The beliefs you carried to survive the marriage

• The “shoulds” you inherited about what a good woman, wife, or mother looks like

• Traditions that don’t actually fit who you are now

I shared in the episode how much I struggled with letting go of Hallmark-style holidays. And then I had a surprising realization: some of the traditions I was grieving were traditions I never truly enjoyed. I was grieving the idea of them. The picture-perfect version I thought I was supposed to want.

Letting go can be painful. It can also be liberating.

This is where you ask yourself: What am I holding onto because I truly love it, and what am I holding onto because I’m afraid of who I’ll be without it?

Phase 5: Moving On (New Possibilities Without Pressure)

Moving on doesn’t mean the divorce disappears from your story. It means it stops dominating your energy.

In this phase, you begin to invest in yourself again. You might feel curious. You might feel lighter. You might start exploring new possibilities like:

• A pottery class you’ve been putting off for years

• A trip you never would have taken before

• Dating, if and when it feels right

• Or honestly, just cozy nights alone where peace feels like the main character

Moving on isn’t a finish line. It’s a shift. A return to possibility.

Practical Steps to Feel Better This Week

If you’re thinking, “Okay, but what do I do with this?” here are a few grounded, doable steps you can try right now.

• Name your phase. Heartbreak? Roller coaster? Mending? Letting go? Moving on? You don’t have to be “there” yet to be valid.

• Pick one stabilizer for hard days. A 10-minute walk, a shower, music, a hot drink, a short voice note to a friend. One simple thing you can repeat.

• Grieve the hidden losses. Write down what you’re really mourning: identity, security, community, traditions, or the life you planned. Naming it reduces the shame.

• Create one micro-tradition. Something tiny but yours: Sunday pancakes, a weekly bookstore trip, “movie night” with your kids, a candle you light before bed.

• Choose one supportive boundary. One conversation you don’t owe anyone. One person you don’t need to update. One topic you’re allowed to protect.

• Don’t do this alone. Healing accelerates in safe community. Isolation makes everything louder.

Why Community Changes Everything in Divorce Recovery

Oona and I agree on this completely: connection is medicine.

There is something powerful that happens when you sit with women who don’t need you to explain the messy middle. Women who can laugh with you, cry with you, and normalize what you’re experiencing.

Inside our community spaces (and inside the Club), I’ve seen women come in feeling shattered and slowly realize they’re surrounded by smart, funny, resilient people who understand them.

If you’re stuck in heartbreak or riding the roller coaster, this is your reminder:

You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through this.

About Oona Metz

Oona Metz is a Boston-area therapist (LICSW, CGP) who specializes in helping women navigate divorce and other major life transitions. She leads divorce support groups and works with clients through grief, identity shifts, and rebuilding after big life changes.  

She’s also the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women, a compassionate roadmap for women moving through the emotional side of divorce.  

Connect With Oona Metz

• Website: https://www.oonametz.com/

• Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women : https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Unhitched/Oona-Metz/9781668075388?utm_source=chatgpt.com

• TIME excerpt by Oona: “Why So Many Women Initiate Divorce”   

• CBS Mornings segment: “Why more women are initiating divorce”  

Want Extra Support?

If you’re craving more support and more “I thought it was just me” moments turning into “Oh… I’m not alone,” here are a few next steps:

• Join us inside the Club (community + support from women who get it)

• Grab Oona’s book, Unhitched for exercises, reflections, and guidance  

• Tune into the podcast each week for conversations that help you feel grounded and supported

You are not alone. This is your chance to reclaim your life, one day at a time.

Final Thought

If you’re at the beginning, please remember this: healing is a process, not a finish line.

Some days you’ll feel steady. Some days you’ll feel like you’re moving backward. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re grieving something real, and you’re rebuilding something new.

Give yourself grace. Celebrate the tiny wins. Let support hold you when you’re tired of holding it all alone.

With love and grace,
Erica Bennett
Host of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club