Red Flags in Relationships: Stay True to Yourself

Let’s Talk Real Love, Self-Abandonment, and Spotting Patterns So You Don’t Lose Yourself in Love

Hey there, Club! It’s Erica from The Crazy Ex-Wives Club, and if you caught our latest episode with trauma-informed coach and consultant Chavisa Horemans, you know we went deep on red flags in relationships, self-knowledge, and what it takes to stay anchored in you while dating (or even while seriously coupled).

If you’re newly divorced, dating again, or trying to rebuild your trust in yourself after a painful relationship, this topic can feel tender. Because it’s not just about spotting “bad behavior.” It’s about noticing the moment you start shrinking, overexplaining, or bargaining with your own needs just to keep the peace.

So today, let’s expand what we talked about and make it practical. You’re not looking for perfection. You’re looking for clarity, consistency, and a relationship where you don’t have to abandon yourself to belong.

The Flag Spectrum: Green, Yellow, and Red Flags in Relationships

We’re wired for connection. And when you’ve been through divorce, that desire for safety and closeness can get tangled with old survival patterns. That’s when it becomes easy to minimize what your body already knows.

Here’s the spectrum we discussed:

• Green flags feel steady. You feel respected, heard, safe, and free to be fully yourself.

• Red flags are non-negotiable. Abuse, intimidation, threats, coercion, physical violence, stalking, or controlling behavior are not “yellow.” They are red.

• Yellow flags live in the gray zone. They’re not automatically a dealbreaker, but they deserve attention, conversation, and boundaries.

A yellow flag might be something like differences in lifestyle, complicated schedules, or a life circumstance that will require maturity and teamwork to navigate.

For example, I shared on the episode that my partner has three amazing boys with significant medical needs. Some people told me, “Run.” For me, it was a yellow flag: something to consider thoughtfully based on my values, my capacity, and the kind of life I want to build.

The point is this: yellow flags aren’t about judgment. They’re about honesty.

Clusters Matter: One-Off Moments vs. Repeating Patterns

One of the most important things Chavisa shared is that flags rarely show up alone. What you want to pay attention to is patterns.

Ask yourself:

• Is this a rare blip, or is it becoming a theme?

• When there’s conflict, do things repair, or do they escalate?

• Do you feel more grounded over time, or more anxious and scrambled?

• Are you constantly explaining your needs, or are they actually being respected?

Think of it like weather. One dark cloud doesn’t guarantee a storm. But repeated warnings in a short period of time are information.

A simple “pattern check” you can use

After each date, call, or conflict, take two minutes and jot down:

• What happened (facts only):

• How I felt in my body:

• What story I told myself:

• What I need next:

Over time, you’ll see the truth. Not the fantasy, not the potential, not the “maybe if I love harder.” The truth.

Words Tell Stories: Language That Can Signal Future Problems

We all love humor and confidence. But pay attention to phrasing that hints at entitlement, conditionality, or emotional immaturity.

Here are a few examples we discussed, plus what to listen for:

• “I’ll treat you like a queen if you treat me like a king.”
  Translation: My kindness is conditional, and I’m keeping score.

• “I’m a very busy man.”
  Translation: I’m pre-framing low effort and asking you to accept it.

• “No drama.”
  Sometimes it means “I don’t want chaos.” Sometimes it means “I don’t want emotions, needs, or accountability.”

A helpful rule of thumb: if the language would feel inappropriate in a job interview, it probably isn’t aligned with a healthy partnership.

And remember, you’re not looking for one “gotcha” line. You’re looking for overall tone: respect, warmth, accountability, and emotional adulthood.

Your Blind Spots: The Yellow Flags You’re Used To

Here’s the tough truth, Club: the flags you miss are often the ones that feel familiar.

If you grew up around dysfunction, chaos, emotional unavailability, or codependence, your nervous system might confuse intensity with intimacy. You might feel drawn to the “wounded bird,” the fixer project, or the person who keeps you performing for love.

Try these self-awareness questions:

• What am I drawn to, and what does it usually cost me?

• Do I feel like I’m auditioning for this person’s approval?

• Do I become smaller, quieter, “easier” when I’m with them?

• Am I attracted to who they are, or who I hope they could become?

And one of my favorites: Where am I negotiating with myself?
Because that’s often where self-abandonment begins.

Practical Tools: How to Stay Grounded and Trust Yourself

After divorce, your inner compass can feel shaky. That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your system is learning how to feel safe again.

Here are a few practices that help you come back to yourself.

1) Somatic grounding: listen below the neck

Before you analyze, pause and notice:

• tight chest or open chest?

• shallow breath or steady breath?

• buzzing anxiety or calm clarity?

Your body often clocks the truth before your brain writes the explanation.

2) Nature breaks: regulate your nervous system, fast

Even a short nature break can help your stress response settle and your thinking get clearer. Research reviews suggest that 10–20 minutes in a natural setting can meaningfully improve psychological and physiological stress markers.  

Put your phone away. Let your eyes soften. Let your shoulders drop. Then ask yourself: What do I know right now?

3) The “steering wheel” check

Ask: Who’s driving my decisions?

• Me, grounded and self-led?

• Me, afraid of being alone?

• Me, trying to prove I’m lovable?

• Me, chasing chemistry instead of character?

You don’t need to shame yourself. You just need to notice.

The Flag Check: Questions That Protect Your Self-Respect

If you want something simple you can come back to, use this.

When something feels “off,” ask:

• What boundary is being crossed here?

• If my best friend told me this story, what would I want for her?

• What do I need to see next to feel safe continuing?

Boundary scripts you can borrow

• “That doesn’t work for me. I need consistency if we’re moving forward.”

• “I’m open to talking about this, but I’m not open to being spoken to like that.”

• “I’m noticing a pattern, and I want to address it now instead of minimizing it.”

Then watch what happens. Healthy people don’t punish you for having needs.

Final Thought: You Are the Prize

Club, the biggest red flag isn’t always the person across from you. Sometimes it’s the moment you start silencing yourself, second-guessing your instincts, or twisting into a smaller version of you to be chosen.

You don’t have to earn love by tolerating confusion. You don’t have to “be cool” about things that hurt. You don’t have to override your own inner knowing to keep a relationship alive.

Have grace for yourself. This is a practice. A rebuilding. A homecoming.

With love and grace,
Erica Bennett
Host of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club

Meet Chavisa Horemans

Chavisa Horemans is a trauma-informed coach and consultant who supports individuals in building healthier relationship patterns through self-awareness, nervous system support, and practical tools for change.

Connect With Chavisa Horemans

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