Breaking Free from Old Wounds: Healing Attachment in Divorce

If you’re navigating the emotional rollercoaster of separation or divorce, you know it’s about much more than dividing assets or custody schedules. Beneath the surface lies a maze of emotions and long-held patterns—many rooted in childhood.

This week on The Crazy Ex-Wives Club, I sat down with licensed psychotherapist and relationship expert Melissa Lapides to explore how early attachment wounds shape the way we show up in relationships, especially during the turbulence of divorce.

Why Do We React the Way We Do?

As I shared in our conversation, I grew up being told my emotions were “too much.” Over time, I learned to suppress my feelings instead of understanding or owning them.

Melissa explained that our attachment styles are formed between ages 0 to 5, based on how our caregivers responded to our needs. If our parents couldn’t recognize, validate, or respond to our emotions, we often grow up seeking external validation in relationships. The result? Anxiety, frustration, or resentment when our needs aren’t met.

Awareness: The First Step to Freedom

Most of us weren’t taught how to process or communicate feelings—especially if our parents shielded us from conflict or modeled emotional avoidance.

Melissa stressed the importance of understanding your own needs:

“If you don’t know what you need and you don’t know how to ask for it, you’ll be in that perpetual cycle of being frustrated with the other person.”

The challenge—and the opportunity—of divorce is unraveling what’s really being triggered. Are you fighting over the TV, or is it the old wound of feeling unseen or unheard? Awareness is always the first step toward interrupting the cycle.

Practical Steps for Healing Attachment

Melissa offered a simple but powerful starting point: Pause.

When a big emotion hits, take a breath and ask yourself:

• What am I really feeling?

• What do I need right now that I’m not getting?

She also shared the framework of Nonviolent Communication:

1. Identify the neutral facts.

2. Name your feeling.

3. Clarify your need.

4. Make a specific request.

And remember—sometimes it’s not about the other person changing. Healing can mean asking whether this relationship can realistically meet your most essential needs.

I also suggested using an emotions chart to help name what you’re really feeling. Often, our “big reactions” are our inner child crying out for understanding and validation.

Owning Your Healing Journey

The most liberating truth from this episode? It’s never too late to heal.

As Melissa put it, real intimacy starts with ourselves. By learning to identify and honor our needs, we reclaim personal power. From that grounded place, we can communicate clearly, compromise with compassion, and—when the time is right—welcome in the right partner.

Ready to Start Your Healing?

If this conversation resonated with you:

Join The Club — a community where being in the room with the right women helps you rise. Together, we heal, grow, and move forward. 👉 Grab your spot now 

  Connect with Melissa for one-on-one support: Website  | Instagram 

And remember: you don’t have to keep repeating old patterns. Healing starts with one self-compassionate step.

With love and grace,
Erica Bennett
Host of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club

Looking for More Support?

Stay connected with me and the community:
Instagram  | Facebook  | Website