The Roommate Phase in Marriage: Should You Stay or Walk Away?

Are you feeling more like co-parents or housemates than romantic partners? You’re not alone. Many couples hit what’s often called the “roommate phase”—when passion, connection, and intimacy take a back seat to chores, logistics, and the never-ending to-do list.

But here’s the good news: this phase doesn’t always mean the end of your relationship. In this week’s episode of The Crazy Ex-Wives Club, I sat down with Emily Zeller—a licensed marriage and family therapist who has spent over a decade helping moms tackle anxiety and guiding couples back to connection.

Emily’s insights are refreshingly honest, practical, and deeply compassionate. Together, we unpacked what the roommate phase really is, why it happens, and how to know when it’s time to reconnect—or move on.

What Is the Roommate Phase in Marriage?

The “roommate phase” happens when a marriage loses its sense of emotional and romantic partnership. Instead of feeling like a team, you feel like co-managers of a household.

It might look like this:

• Conversations are mostly about logistics. (Who’s picking up the kids? What’s for dinner?)

• Date nights have disappeared. You can’t remember the last time you talked about something fun or exciting.

• Shared time feels disconnected. Nights together mean one of you is scrolling on your phone while the other watches TV.

• You sense growing distance—or resentment.

If you’re nodding along, you’re not alone. Emily reminded us that this drift happens to nearly every couple at some point. Life gets busy, and connection takes a back seat. The key is recognizing it—and doing something about it.

Signs You’re in the Roommate Phase of Marriage

Wondering if you’re truly in the roommate phase? Here are some common red flags:

• Intimacy feels like a chore—or is nonexistent.

• Conversations lack depth. You mostly discuss tasks, bills, or kids.

• You feel emotionally distant. Even small talk feels strained.

• You’ve stopped dreaming together. No conversations about the future, goals, or shared adventures.

If this feels familiar, take heart: you can shift the dynamic—or decide what comes next.

How to Begin Changing the Dynamic

So what do you do if you realize you’re stuck in roommate territory?

1. Name It Out Loud

It might feel uncomfortable, but saying, “I’m feeling disconnected, and I want more for us than just survival mode,” is a crucial first step. Be brave—and leave blame at the door.

2. Schedule Connection on Purpose

Add date nights, shared hobbies, or just quiet time to the calendar. Intentionality matters.

3. Try Something New Together

Routine kills connection. Whether it’s a cooking class, hiking, or even a simple board game, break the monotony.

4. Have Real Conversations

Talk about dreams, fears, and core values—not just schedules and chores. Rebuilding emotional intimacy starts with deeper dialogue.

Reconnecting With Yourself to Improve Your Relationship

Here’s the truth: Rekindling your marriage often starts by rekindling yourself.

Ask yourself:

• What lights me up—outside of my roles at home?

• What expectations am I bringing into this partnership?

• Am I showing up in ways that invite connection?

When you nurture your own spark, you bring energy and vitality back to the relationship—whether with your current partner or (someday) someone new. And if your partner isn’t ready to join you in the process? Focus on filling your own cup first.

When It Might Be Time to Walk Away

Some relationships can’t be rekindled—and that’s okay.

Ask yourself:

• Is this just a season, or is this really it?

• Am I willing to do the work to reconnect? Is my partner?

• If not, what’s holding me back from choosing something different?

Pro tip: Therapy (for you or as a couple) can bring clarity. Even if your partner won’t participate, your personal growth can help you decide what’s next.

The Power of Gratitude

Before you throw in the towel, try sprinkling in small, genuine appreciation. Thank your partner for making dinner, managing a task, or simply showing up in your shared life. Even tiny gestures of gratitude can shift the dynamic in surprising ways.

You Are Never Stuck

Here’s the most important thing to remember: you are never stuck.

Whether you’re navigating the roommate phase, trying to rekindle your marriage, or considering moving on, you always have the power to change, grow, and reclaim yourself.

You were never just “the roommate.” Prioritize your happiness, embrace vulnerability, and keep choosing yourself—because you deserve a life that feels full, connected, and truly yours.

Want More Support?

Download Emily Zeller’s free guide on how knowing your personality can transform your relationship, and join us inside The Crazy Ex-Wives Club for coaching, community, and tools to help you reconnect with yourself and your life.

Learn More About This Week’s Guest: Emily Zeller

Emily Zeller is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with over a decade of experience helping moms navigate anxiety, supporting disconnected couples, and guiding families toward healing.

Emily is intensively trained in Child-Parent Psychotherapy (CPP), Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and is a certified Enneagram consultant. As a Perinatal Mental Health Certified (PMH-C) clinician, she brings deep expertise and compassion to her work with women navigating identity shifts, motherhood transitions, and relationship challenges.

She is the founder of Zeller & Co. Therapy, a modern virtual practice known for its thoughtful, evidence-based approach to therapy intensives and individualized care. Emily’s mission is to help her clients feel more connected—to themselves, their loved ones, and the life they’re creating.

Connect with Emily: Website | Instagram | Facebook

FAQs: Roommate Phase in Marriage

1. What does the roommate phase in marriage mean?
It’s when a couple stops functioning as romantic or emotional partners and instead operates more like housemates managing a household.

2. How do you fix the roommate phase with your spouse?
Start with honest communication, schedule intentional time together, try new experiences, and focus on your own growth to bring renewed energy to the relationship.

3. When is it time to leave a marriage stuck in the roommate phase?
If there’s no willingness to reconnect, no shared vision for change, or the relationship no longer supports your emotional well-being, it may be time to consider other paths.

Final Thought

The roommate phase doesn’t define you—or your marriage. With awareness, small changes, and a commitment to yourself, you can shift the dynamic, rekindle connection, and reclaim your sense of self.

Until next time—keep choosing you.

With love,
Erica